Brand New Year, Brand New Me

Today, I finished paper journal #58--384 pages of mostly whining and complaining and feeling sorry for myself. Unlike many of the other journals I used this year, #58 had pages of 8-1/2 x 11 size, so that was a LOT of writing.

Carrying around this book for four months was a bigger weight on my soul than what I thought. I spent most of today writing out the last ten pages. I wrote about 2005 and what I had accomplished. I got out my other seven journals of the year and added up how many pages I wrote. I was stunned to find that I had written a total of 1,760 pages.

Yes, one thousand, seven hundred and sixty pages... the majority of which was depressive crap. I looked back at January 2005 (in vol. 50), and saw that I was writing about the same things then as I have been lately. At that moment, I decided that it was time to let it all go. I can't spend the rest of my life in a suicidal depression because I feel abandoned. (I wish that it hadn't taken two years to figure that one out!)

Life is what you make it. As I closed the book on 2005, I filed journal #58 away with the rest of the year's books. I ended the journal on a positive note with hope. (I think I screwed up the "energy" of the entire book by starting it back in September on a negative image.)

The day passed quickly while watching the Bears lose and then a marathon of "Mythbusters." It's back to the old grind tomorrow.